Living Mystery

I think a lot about loss and grief. I have had many different thoughts and beliefs over the years about losing people that I am attached to - people that really matter to me. At times, I was convinced that I had an answer, the answer, my answer, to the mystery of losing people we love. Other times, the randomness and trauma around some of the losses I experienced challenged me and ultimately changed the way I thought about loss and the grief that follows it. Today, I try to stay grounded in the mystery of it all - my sort of middle ground.

On my bad days, I am angry, disappointed and disillusioned. I cannot square the idea that no matter who or what we lose, there’s always more to both love…and lose. On these days, I am sad, lonely and distressed at how small my world becomes. I feel isolated, exhausted, filled with fear and guilt - oh, yes, and shame, guilt’s best friend.

On my good days, I am surrendered in my understanding that our lives are a series of losses. We lose people, pets, jobs, friends, homes and even ourselves. On these days, the good ones, I reminisce, many times smiling through tears, about who and what I have loved and lost and how that love feels, cozy, warm and maybe even a little scary. I remind myself that losing means change - and sometimes change means transformation. Not always, but sometimes. I remind myself of this on my good days.

Most days though, I meet my edge somewhere in between. Remembering and forgetting. Hiding from the pain and holding onto it for my very life.

When you have loved, you know this feeling. The middle ground, the place where you learn to enjoy the moment and wait for it to end - never knowing when or how that will happen. Knowing how it might feel the next time and yet, still venturing to love and lose…again…and…again…forever evolving…and living the mystery of it all.

May this day find you in that sweet spot, living in the moment and finding awe in the mystery, embracing all that you love.