Hi- I’m Lisa - it’s nice to meet you - right where you are.

Many years ago, as an exercise for a project I was working on, I took an inventory of my personal losses. At first, this seemed like a pretty straightforward task. List your losses from the first to the last. At second glance, I realized that while I had definitely lost people and pets that I loved to death, there were many other losses that I experienced that stirred similar feelings. Break-ups, jobs, feeling safe, health, etc.

My earliest memory of loss from childhood was learning that we were moving. I was almost four and we were moving right around my birthday and not too far from where we were living. I was not thrilled. I felt lost and afraid - things would never be the same - and they weren’t.

My first memory of a death related loss was our puppy, Peanuts. He was a cute little beagle puppy, only six weeks old. My first pet. Within a few days of Peanuts coming to live with us, he was struck and killed by a car in front of my house. I witnessed this event. I remember my father running out as I stood on the front steps with my sisters. He called to my mother and insisted that we be brought into the house immediately - I learned then that death was scary, could happen in an instant and was not something to speak about or look at.

As my life went on, I came to lose many people and things that mattered to me, that I felt connected to and that I did not want to end. I grieved each loss and I still carry them all today. Each loss changed me, changed my life and reshaped my path.

When we lose people or things we are attached to it is natural to grieve. When we grieve our losses, we become intimately aware of, and perhaps more connected to, our feelings about who or what has been lost. Sometimes, we yearn to have them with us again. Sometimes, we have regrets. Sometimes, we just don’t know who or how to be anymore.

Life has changed, maybe suddenly, and we don’t have a road map anymore that comforts us and reminds us where to go. We may feel intense sadness, anger, confusion, fear and we are clear about how vulnerable we are.

In all my searching, I cannot say that I understand loss much better today then when I was four. What I have learned is that my losses are forever a part of me and as I carry them their weight keeps me grounded and reminds me that death, like life is the mystery that we all encounter on our journey.

Living mystery,

Lisa